December 27, 2007

  • "I Didn't Do It!"

    Responsibility. Blame. I'm not sure, but perhaps they are opposite sides of the same coin. People don't want to be "responsible" because they don't want to be blamed for something. In our litigious society, can you fault them?

    But it seems like we want to blame everyone but ourselves. (Though, often, no one minds taking the credit if something good happens!) It's a coworkers fault. Maybe it all happened because of the way our parents raised us, so it really is their fault. Maybe it is God's fault for not orchestrating events to our satisfaction -- but we may not want to admit thinking that!

    Why is it so hard to step up and say, "I messed up. I'm sorry. I'll try to do better in the future."

    At the core, it is a mix of security and humility. Admitting we were wrong, puts us in the one down position. It exposes our tender parts to scrutiny. That breeds insecurity. It is also humbling. It means admitting we aren't who we try to portray ourselves as.

    I've been on both sides of this lately and even somewhat in the middle.

    I volunteer. Sometimes, that is a good thing. Other times, I wonder, why bother? I've found myself frustrated with the leadership over administrative issues. When I approached someone about it, I was informed that I couldn't really hold them accountable for a lack of follow through because administration wasn't their gift. If I was going to bring the issue to light, I needed to be prepared to step up and take some of the load. So, any issue I see I need to be willing to shoulder the responsibility for?

    And then there is work. I messed up today. Well, actually, it was a few days ago. But the mistake was caught today. Actually, I think two were caught today. I am a perfectionist, so that really stings. I found myself wanting to retreat emotionally. I wanted to say, "So, I'm no good at that. Don't make me do it. There are other things I can do just fine." The more appropriate thing would be to say, "Okay, how can I do better . . . ." Luckily, I wasn't required to say much of anything (though I did apologize). But I could feel the first option creeping into my mood.

    I work a number of places at the moment. It is amazing how quick people are to say, "I didn't do it!" or "Was it my fault?" I don't think either of them is a great response. "I didn't do it" implies a certain amount of defensiveness. "Was it my fault" hints at a certain level of insecurity or paranoia. (Though, I guess people may be wondering if their job is secure.) I'm aware of both responses. I'm amazed at how much "Was it my fault?" is creeping into my vocabulary.

    So, here are my suggestions. (I'll take responsibility for them.):

    • Own up when you make a mistake.
    • Ask for help or more training if you need it.
    • Give others grace when they make a mistake. This will help get rid of the paranoia in the culture.
    • Give grace to yourself. Don't make a mistake bigger than it needs to be.
    • When caught between "I didn't do it" and "Was it my fault," take a step back and think about how you want to respond.
    • Remember, that no one is perfect, but we are perfectly loved by a perfect God.

     

Comments (2)

  • Amy, I hope you don't mind me commenting on all your posts.  It feels like we're having a daily dialogue about issues -- but the issues you raise are interesting.

    You've once again put your finger on a critical human flaw.  This issue of not wanting to "fess up," to be recognized as having failed even in a small way is an indicator of our fundamentally flawed condition.  Why can't people allow for their own mistakes?  Because it's a bump against their house of cards.  A person constructs an elaborate structure of self-justification based on performance: I know I'm okay because I can do this thing and that thing.  I'm good at my job or I'm a good parent or I volunteer, etc.  It gives us a feeling of "rightness," though often at the expense of others around us -- when we have our ducks in a row, we turn around and feel superior to those who don't (at least in our estimation).

    But a mistake, particularly a big one, puts our whole shaky self-righteous system in the light of reality.  We're not as good as we think.  And we don't know how to handle that because we have no alternative -- outside of the grace of God.

    This issue is a critical one for the church.  Moralism is as resistant to the Spirit of God as self-centered hedonism.  In fact, if you think about who Jesus was patient with and who he got angry at, the moralists were the ones in trouble.  What the world needs are people who know they're flawed and can be honest about it; we shouldn't be surprised by our capacity for error or insensitivity or selfishness or anything that a self-justifying person would consider a mistake.  A saying I hear regularly in the sermons of a pastor we listen to though downloads fits here: We are far worse than we ever expected and far more loved than we could ever imagine.

    That's where grace comes in.  And that's the only way we can ever truly be gracious to others when we err.  We are loved just because God decided to love us -- not because of our obedience or capacity for good works or faith.  He just loves us.  That amazing truth should transform us and help us to own up and laugh at our foibles.

    Not that this is something I've mastered.  I too am a perfectionist and struggle with "cracks in the system."  But the only thing I have to combat it is grace.

  • amy, I agree with the first post, although I am not a perfectionist, far from it actually. Polar opposite. But I agree with what he says about who Jesus got upset with. The so called righteous leaders with no compassion for others, no grace to extend except for rules, rules, rules.

    Noone likes to admit they screwed up, sometimes very severly, but it has to be done. I admit I screw up when I do, and I am covered with such abundant grace. Praise God.

    Have a great week, filled with many blessings.

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