I am reading a book! I know, nothing “novel” . It’s called Exquisite Hope by Julie Ann Barnhill. My friend, Jill, gave it to me for Christmas. In the chapter I just finished, she asked that people survey their book shelves because she thinks that it says something about the person. I thought I would adapt it a bit. (I don’t have time to pull all the books in boxes out!). What books influenced you at various points in your life (fiction or not)? Which ones stand out and why?

Post it on your site and let me know and I will stop by. I think it might be interesting!

Here’s mine:

Elementary School:

• The Secret Garden by Francis Hodgeson Burnett. I don’t know how many times I read it, but it was pretty dog eared. I think I related to Mary a lot. Not so much that I was spoiled or contrary but that I was deeply lonely. I always dreamed of a secret place all my own! And I so wanted a friend like Dickon.
• The Family Nobody Wanted by Helen Doss. This is a true story. It actually belonged to my cousin. But every time I went to her house, I read it, borrowed it. I loved it. Looking back it may not be the best written. It is a true story about a Methodist minister and his wife who adopted 12 children — 10 considered unadoptable because of mixed parentage. It was first published in 1954. At some point, there was  LIFE magazine article about the family They may have only had 8 or 9 at the time. I remember finding it at the library. I loved that it was true. I imagined being wanted so much. I imagined someday doing the same.
• Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Patterson. I loved the friendship between the children here. Though, it was a very sad tale . . . . I wanted that kind of friendship. I longed for it.

Junior High:

• To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I’m not sure what drew me here, but I liked the writing. I liked Scout. I wished I had her spunk.
• The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. I dreamed of being one of those children – preferably Lucy. My fear was that I was Susan or would be Susan in the end. I loved the analogies in it and I’m looking forward to the next movie.

High School:

• The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. This may be one of the few classics that I enjoyed. It is about Hester who has a child out of wedlock in a Puritan society. She has to wear a scarlet letter “A” for Adultery. It’s about her daughter, Pearl. It’s about the minister who can’t forgive himself. I think I was drawn by Hester’s determination and Pearl’s joy of life. Though I didn’t know it then, I think I related to the minister, feeling that there were things that I could not forgive myself for or that God could forgive me for. I’m glad I was wrong about that.
• On the Beach by Nevile Shute. I don’t think I actually read this more than twice. However, it stands out because I was brought up not to cry. (I cry a little too freely now!) But at the time, we didn’t cry. I remember sitting in tears on the floor of my room as I read the last couple chapters. It is an old book — 1950′s. It’s about a nuclear bomb and the population of Australia knowing that the radioactivity will eventually reach them.

Adulthood:

• Knowing God by J.I. Packer. In my view, Packer is a modern day theologian. I love the thought that Christianity is more about being known by God than knowing Him! This is a very deep read. I read it a few times, but usually in a study with others.
• Waiting: Finding Hope When God Seems Silent by Ben Patterson. The thought from this book that always stands out to me is that it doesn’t matter so much to God where we are at in the journey so much as that we are on the journey.
• Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks. This is a newer book. It’s a fictional account of a town in England that had the plague. They chose to shut the town off — not leave or have anyone come in – rather than spread the plague. It’s a book of hope, but no necessarily Christian – particularly at the end. But I still enjoyed it a lot!
• My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Piccoult. I like many of her books, but this is my favorite and one that I come back to again and again. I love the way she writes. I love the character of Anna and her outlook on life. I love how Jodi explores the many questions of life and death.
• Faith on the Edge:Daring to Follow Jesus by numerous people but can be found under Paul Tokanauga as the principle editor. This one isn’t so much on the list because it is a great read (though I think it is good), but more because it shaped me because I was a contributing author. There were 6 of us who wrote it. We each wrote 4 chapters. We were selected for our diversity — Asian, African American, Caucasian, male & female, younger and older, . . .  It was a discipleship experience for me. Writing is such a way of thinking for me! It was a growing experience. I loved it. It is my one claim to fame!

So what have been your favorites over the years, ones that stand out through time? How have they shaped you?

I was distraught over having to give her up. (I still tear up if I think on it too much, but it part of this tale.) I had gotten her at the Humane Society and had talked to them weekly since getting her. They promised they could find her a home and suggested a cat. Why would I want some aloof cat? They loaned me one (something they don’t usually do) for the weekend. Two years later I have two cats that think they are dogs. They literally greet me at the door and follow me from room to room. Even though I have a huge bed, they pretty much sleep next to me or on top of me!

While I don’t approve and would love to break her of it, I must say I admire her tenacity. For someone so little to growl so fiercely at someone so much bigger than her, for her to be so single minded in her pursuit, well there is something to be said for that.

Am I that fierce, that single minded in my pursuit of God and hope? I want to be!

As I have said, I knew a girl once named Amalia. I thought they had told me the name meant hope. But, I couldn’t find it on-line or in any of the books I looked at. I had pretty much settled on it and decided that it was a feminized form of the word Amal. One night at the bookstore, I found a Christian naming book. Before shelving it, I looked. It was in there! But instead of just meaning “hope,” it meant “a work of God.”

Granted, it is more than we can fathom living in a world of broken people who let us down. But God is not a broken person. Oh, we break his heart sometimes, but it isn’t the same thing. Even though we are faithless, he remains faithful. Once He has us, he holds us close.

I am just beginning to figure out what it means for me. I think some of what it means for me is:

• being faithful to read and study His word
• keeping scripture in front of me
• being aware of my tendency to always, first and foremost, wonder how something will impact me rather than those around me
• choosing to serve
• focusing on hope

And more, but I am still figuring it out.

At some point in our lives we realize we are helpless to save ourselves — that no amount of work on our part, no amount of trying, no amount of effort, no amount of anything will save us. It’s typically a humbling and a bit of a scary place to be. But God steps in and says, “I will make a way for you.” He offers us hope through the blood of Jesus shed on the cross. He says we can come no matter what state our lives are in. He holds out his hands . . . and dies so that we won’t have to be separated from Him forever. The Cross is the purest picture of hope that there is.

On a side note, my other cat’s name is Katy. It comes from Katherine meaning pure. So, without realizing it I have ended up with a daily reminder of “pure hope” in Katy (pure) and Amalia (hope). That just came to mind last night!

Hey all.

I am on a journey to eat healthier this year. That means eating more fresh stuff instead of all the prepackaged stuff. Being single, that means I make food and then eat it and eat it and eat it. For example, last week on New Year’s Day, I made a casserole. I’ve eaten some every day! There are 2 more servings left. I will eat those for lunch the next two days.

I decided to invest in a slow cooker or crock pot. I tried it out this weekend and made my first homemade soup. I got the recipe from the internet at the Weight Watcher’s site. I thought I would share it with you. It’s called Southwestern Slow Cooker Chicken & Potato Soup.

Ingredients:

• 3/4lb boneless, skinless chicken breast (cut up in bite size pieces)
• 2 medium sweet potatoes (peeled and cut up in bite size pieces)
• 1 large onion (chopped)
• 29 oz canned diced tomatoes – salsa style with chilies drained
• 14 1/2 oz fat free chicken broth
• 1tsp dried oregano
• 1/2 tsp ground cumin
• 1 1/2 cup frozen corn — not thawed

Mix chicken, potatoes tomatoes, broth, oregano, and cumin in a 4 qt or larger slow cooker. Cover and cook on low heat for at least 6 hours. Stir in corn and cook on high heat until chicken is no longer pink and vegetables are tender.

It said that the servings were 1 1/4 cup each. But I found that about a half cup to 3/4 cup did the trick. If you are doing weight watchers, the serving size they said was worth 5 points. It was yummy and hearty.

It was kind of fun. I made it yesterday but didn’t have any. I put the slow cooker back on this morning before church. I was determined to invite someone home for lunch. My friends Mark and Jill often head home after church. Mark is the pastor, so it is a work day for him. They have a tradition of Sunday afternoon naps. When I invited Jill, I assured her they could just come for lunch and then head out for their naps. They came along with 3 of their kids. I made a few grilled cheese and cut them in half. I also put carrots out as well.

It was fun and they seemed to enjoy the lunch. Most of it is gone, but I think there is another 1-2 servings (my size) left.  The slow cooker was so easy!

If you like soup, give it a try.

I hate snow. I mean that I really HATE snow. It looks nice and pretty but then it turns to slush and gets all black . . . . There is also the task of shoveling that comes along with it. I ABHOR shoveling. But, being single, I’m the only one around to do it. So, I went out and shoveled today.

On Sunday, my pastor, Mark Savage, talked some about doing acts of service for others. One of the ones, wouldn’t you know, that he mentioned was shoveling. So, of course, God brought that to mind today. My first thought was, “I wish someone would have served me and surprised me by shoveling my drive!” My second thought was that I should shovel my neighbor’s drive. Like me, she is a single as well.

So, I shoveled her drive and sidewalk and a path on her deck and put down salt. I must admit to thinking about stopping halfway through. But I figured that would look worse then not having done any of it.  So, I kept shoveling.

If nothing else, perhaps I am starting 2008 out on the right foot! I hope so!

My neighbor across the alley’s yard. All of his snow drifts onto mine and Lisa’s driveways!

Proof. My yard in comparison. See — no grass.

The finished driveways.

Katy and Mali as a bonus for reading.

Have a great New Year!

I struggle with depression. I can honestly say that I think the depression started when I was 10. That is, at least in my recollection, the first time I wished that I was dead. I’ve struggled with it off and on now for 28 years. Sometimes I get a break for a a few months, but it has been more on than off. A couple years ago, I got about an 18 month break in the depression. It all flew out the window when a friend of mine died this spring. I completely crumbled.

I’m probably an unusual depressed person. I’m fairly functional. I manage to hold a job and all of that but fall apart all around the edges. After struggling with it for so long, I know the symptoms and what to do. I keep busy, see the doctor and therapist regularly, take the meds, watch my thoughts, work hard at connecting with people even when I don’t feel like it, . . . .

I know there was a precipitating factor, but having the depression hit so hard the last few months has been really difficult. I struggled with what the point was in keeping going because statistically every time I have a depressive episode I am more likely to have another. Why not give up?

Because there are points when I feel better.

Because there are people who care.

Because God wants me to keep going.

Because of things like faith and hope and love.

I am doing better. The last 2 weeks have been a major turn around. (That is good news!) I saw my doctor yesterday. She was totally thrilled. But then in the midst of it she said, “While you are doing well, we need to strategize the best way to handle the next one.” I understand what she is saying, though I would love it if God made it so the depression never came back.

As I contemplated the discussion yesterday and today, I’ve felt fear creep in. Fear is a thief. It steals joy and peace and takes my eyes off of God. I came across this quote from Max Lucado in GOD CAME NEAR today and it spoke to me:

Such moments are necessary because they remind us that everything is okay. The king is still on the throne and life is still worth living. Eternal instants remind us that love is still the greatest posessession and the future is nothing to fear.

Do you know what he is talking about? Have you ever had an “eternal instant”? It’s those moments when life just feels so right. Maybe it is when your child hugs you or you see a sun set. I know I’ve had them over the years. One of the most recent was when I had a friend’s children spend the night with me. I was putting them to bed and Elena asked, “Do you have a Bible?” They wanted to hear a Bible story. I explained that I had a Bible but I didn’t have one for children. They made sure that I knew that their parents read to them out of the “regular” Bible. So, I read to them about David and Goliath from my regular NIV. I was so touched to see their tender hearts towards scripture. There have been eternal instants: baking with a friend, sitting on a porch, cuddling with my cat. Eternal instants are ones that push back the darkness and fear. What was your most recent “eternal instant?”

As Max Lucado writes, the King is still on the throne. Life is worth living. In spite of what the world and our circumstances might say, the future is nothing to fear.

This is a reprint from an earlier blog on Sept.1, 2007. I just felt like it was a good one to start the New Year off with as we look into the future.

It’s New Year’s Day. Sixteen years ago today, my mother passed away. (I don’t think anyone should die on a holiday.) She had lung cancer but it spread to her brain. she was sick about 18 months. (Well, likely before that but we didn’t know it.) Some times I miss her more than others. Today, I have a list of things I wish I had asked her. Perhaps it is a list you can use when talking to your parents (things to ask) or with your children (things to tell):

• Do you love me? My family wasn’t very demonstrative. I wish I had heard her say it more.
• Are you scared? I think she was. She was in such denial, though. No one could actually talk about the cancer and what was happening. Once, she was in the hospital. A social worker came in and asked if she wanted to talk or if anyone in her family did. She turned her on her heel! But I needed to talk. I wasn’t allowed to.
• Do you know Jesus? My mom was a bitter woman. She went to church very rarely. Maybe, once every couple of years. But, she and my dad belonged to the Methodist church because it was respectable. Luckily, they wanted us to be respectable as well. At 13 we had to go to church for a year so we could be confirmed. My parents just never anticipated my sister and I liking it so much!
• Are you proud of me?
• What was the best thing in your life?
• What was the worst?
• What was it like for you growing up? My mom rarely talked about growing up. I only know she was the youngest of a pack of kids (17 — some full and some half). Her father died when she was 18. He was a coal miner and after they moved to OH, he drove a taxi and was night watchman for the Cincinnati Zoo. She was born in Hazard, Kentucky. She was scared of her father. He would yell for them to get up. They shot out of bed as soon as they heard his footstep on the first step. Honestly, that is the extent of my knowledge about her growing up years. No funny stories. Nada.
• What did you want to be when you grew up?
• What was it like the day I was born in detail? I only know that she called my aunt after talking to the doctor. The doctor had said it couldn’t be time. My aunt told her to go to the hospital because the doctor had never had a baby and what did he know? We were premature. I weighed in at 3lbs 4 ounces. Sara weighed in at 4lbs 3 ounces. They were surprised it was twins. That’s all I know. Was it a hard labor or and easy labor? What was she thinking? How did it feel to find out she had two instead of one? I want to know about it in “full-color” detail. But I probably never will.
• What was I like as a baby?
• What was I like as a preschooler?
• What dreams did you have for me?
• What was your favorite thing about me?

My family just never talked. Oh, how I wish we had . . . .

As we were driving we had to turn the heat on. On the other side of the 5 mile Mackinac Bridge, we were greeted with the sign, “Think Spring.” Though it was warm where we came from, it was still a bit chilly in the UP.

Flash forward. It’s Dec. 29th in central Illinois. It’s cold and grey out. All the Christmas festivities are done. People are coming out of their turkey comas to discover that life on the the other side of Christmas isn’t much different than life before Christmas — with the exception of the amount of debt they are carrying. That, of course, has grown. If they had to go to work this week, the week seemed to drag on and on and on even though if was a “short” work week.

I’ve found myself feeling a little glum. From the way people around me have been acting, I think they have felt that way as well. So, what do these two stories have to do with each other. More than you might think!

Let’s start with the present day. It might be easy to drift off into hopelessness. We are in for 3-4 more months of cold and gray skies. There aren’t really any major holidays to break up the monotony. (Okay, there are things like Lincoln’s Birthday and Martin Luther King Day — but it really depends on where you work if you get to have those things off. And then there is Valentine’s Day — the ultimate Hallmark Holiday. But enjoying that one depends on if you are with someone or not. So, my point stands. There aren’t any major holidays for everyone coming up soon.)

Even though it was May that year of the all night trek to camp, spring was slow in coming to the UP. And if I recall it correctly, it was gray.

But I like the outlook of those “uppers.” They knew that spring was coming and they were focused on it. It’s amazing that the image of that sign has stuck with me for so many years. I think of it now as an image of hope.

So, what are you focused on just past Christmas? Has the reason for the season been abandoned? Are you dismayed, as I often am, by how far you have yet to go in your spiritual life?

As Christians Paul tells us that the “hope of glory” resides in us. He writes in Colossians 1:21-27:

“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel . . . . Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. “

Christ in you – the hope of glory. How amazing is that? It is not yet fully manifested, but it is there deep inside you and me. Like bulbs planted in the fall that will not blossom until spring, so is God’s hope in you. It is there. You have it already. It just may not be in full bloom yet. But it will be. Do not worry about that. When you are dismayed by how far you have to go or how long you have to wait, Think Spring. Think Jesus. That is where our hope lies.

Just thought I would share a couple of pictures.

This is Grace, Elena, and Allison early Christmas Eve day. I stopped in to take them their presents.

Both girls got string game books — though 2 different ones so more games are covered. Elena is doing Cat’s Whiskers here. I am excited to here that they have been working on them and enjoying them a lot!

I spoiled the cats and splurged on this carpeted thing-a-ma-bob. Katy loves it.

Actually, Mali loves it as well. Sometimes, one is on top and the other in the cubby. I just haven’t managed to get a picture of it yet.

Hope you are having great days.

Responsibility. Blame. I’m not sure, but perhaps they are opposite sides of the same coin. People don’t want to be “responsible” because they don’t want to be blamed for something. In our litigious society, can you fault them?

But it seems like we want to blame everyone but ourselves. (Though, often, no one minds taking the credit if something good happens!) It’s a coworkers fault. Maybe it all happened because of the way our parents raised us, so it really is their fault. Maybe it is God’s fault for not orchestrating events to our satisfaction — but we may not want to admit thinking that!

Why is it so hard to step up and say, “I messed up. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better in the future.”

At the core, it is a mix of security and humility. Admitting we were wrong, puts us in the one down position. It exposes our tender parts to scrutiny. That breeds insecurity. It is also humbling. It means admitting we aren’t who we try to portray ourselves as.

I’ve been on both sides of this lately and even somewhat in the middle.

I volunteer. Sometimes, that is a good thing. Other times, I wonder, why bother? I’ve found myself frustrated with the leadership over administrative issues. When I approached someone about it, I was informed that I couldn’t really hold them accountable for a lack of follow through because administration wasn’t their gift. If I was going to bring the issue to light, I needed to be prepared to step up and take some of the load. So, any issue I see I need to be willing to shoulder the responsibility for?

And then there is work. I messed up today. Well, actually, it was a few days ago. But the mistake was caught today. Actually, I think two were caught today. I am a perfectionist, so that really stings. I found myself wanting to retreat emotionally. I wanted to say, “So, I’m no good at that. Don’t make me do it. There are other things I can do just fine.” The more appropriate thing would be to say, “Okay, how can I do better . . . .” Luckily, I wasn’t required to say much of anything (though I did apologize). But I could feel the first option creeping into my mood.

I work a number of places at the moment. It is amazing how quick people are to say, “I didn’t do it!” or “Was it my fault?” I don’t think either of them is a great response. “I didn’t do it” implies a certain amount of defensiveness. “Was it my fault” hints at a certain level of insecurity or paranoia. (Though, I guess people may be wondering if their job is secure.) I’m aware of both responses. I’m amazed at how much “Was it my fault?” is creeping into my vocabulary.

So, here are my suggestions. (I’ll take responsibility for them.):

• Own up when you make a mistake.
• Ask for help or more training if you need it.
• Give others grace when they make a mistake. This will help get rid of the paranoia in the culture.
• Give grace to yourself. Don’t make a mistake bigger than it needs to be.
• When caught between “I didn’t do it” and “Was it my fault,” take a step back and think about how you want to respond.
• Remember, that no one is perfect, but we are perfectly loved by a perfect God.